My unhealed trauma took over my life….
It’s no secret that since I have been on a major health and wellness journey over the past year. What I came to realize through healing my mind was that I told myself I could just lose the weight that I would finally be happy. I couldn’t have been more wrong. What I actually realized was that because of all my unhealed trauma, everything in my life seemed overwhelming. When I did my first round of FWTFL, I was all over the place. My health was a mess, my marriage was failing, and my children were struggling in ways that I didn’t know how to help. Living felt impossible, and adding one more thing felt like I was wearing a 50 pound weight around my neck. Since I have always struggled with asking for help and letting people know what was going on behind the scenes, I barely adhered to the program and called it a day.
But I still lost weight….
I started losing weight, but that was more from starvation and old eating disorder habits sneaking back in. I began running myself ragged trying to fix things out of my control, and restricting the only thing I felt like I could, which was my food intake. The problem with this was that it was all subconsciously, I couldn’t see what I was really doing to my family and my body. Making justifications that working out and “dieting” were the only attributes to my weight loss. On one hand, I’m SO proud of the progress I made strength wise, and even some diet changes–but on the other hand, I need to be authentic about how some of it was not healthy. I know I felt like if I could hide behind that lie that it was all healthy then maybe I didn’t really have a problem. It’s been a month since I stopped taking adderall. It’s been a month since I’ve taken any medication over the counter or prescribed. It’s been a month since I’ve had an anxiety attack.
Therapy saved my life.
After truly taking the time to work through my past, I was able to really see mentally what was doing. I look back a photos and see how much I was hurting, in desperate need of help, and unable to articulate it. I’m embarrassed, but mostly I’m deeply sorry. I am sorry if my journey ever made you feel like you weren’t doing enough, or things weren’t working for you. I’m sorry if I ever made you second guess yourself. That was never my intention. I wanted people to be proud of me, I wanted to be proud of myself, I wanted to hide behind a lie that everything was okay. I realize now that I don’t want to hide or lie anymore. I still want to inspire you to work on creating the healthiest version of you. The strongest version of you. I hope you can forgive me, I hope you an learn to trust me again. Rebuilding my marriage took time, healing my mind and my body took time, learning how to be a better and more present mother to my children took time. I know restoring integrity with y’all will take time. Thank you for allowing me that opportunity.
I wasn’t planning on sharing this…
I really never thought I would share this with y’all. My coach, Anne, reached out tonight encouraging me to do another round. I realized I wanted to do it, but I wanted to do it with a blank slate. I’m not doing it with weight loss in mind. I’m doing it because even though I only loosely followed it the first time, I remember being SHOCKED at how much I needed to eat. I remember it teaching me so many different things about food that I didn’t know before. I loved the community of everyone going through the same thing with you in your round. I am excited to try something with a new mindset. If you’re interested in doing it or you would like to learn more you can get more info here.
From the bottom of my heart, I am so grateful for each of you. Creating an authentic community is everything, and I know it starts with me. Thank you for loving me even when I fail, even when I’m not perfect, even when I let you down. You are all so incredible. I am so thankful for this platform to speak to you.